hi. hello. hi.

hi. another late night. i've been around now for 39 years, officially, now. 

recently, there have been tremendous changes in my life. everything that i have known, all the conventions and rote mechanics of the way that life should work have been left behind. even the way that relationships work no longer make any sense to me. it's very depressing, because for me, nothing is certain anymore. i'm holding onto one thing. to the idea that following your heart, that listening to your instinct will bring you to who you need and want to be in life. maybe that end point will be with someone who you share a special unique bond. maybe you'll be satisfied creatively, financially and socially, but will end up constantly traveling and never having a stable situation.

maybe i'll keep ruminating on all of this until my brain finally can't do it for one second longer. i think that is what will happen. what happens then . . . ok.

the winter effect

hi. it is snowing again on the north shore of massachusetts. it has been winter here since forever and it is not letting up. if you have read this blog at all, then you know it is chock-full of symbolism and meaning, at least for me, and this winter is just one more symbol to add to the list. it is cold, miserable and often very lonely. the wind makes you cry and the snow over time moves from a pristine white of promise to a polluted and tarnished gray of reality. i don't know when this winter will end. i can't see when the feelings it creates will cease. i'm not sure if spring equals possibility or memory. chet baker once sang that he "should never think of spring, for that would surely break my heart in two." hmmm. ok.

hmm

there are times, when a song, a book, a poem, a painting, really speaks to what is going on, with me. at first, i was blown away. "this song is exactly how i feel." i thought about it some more, whether we like it or not, we humans feel a lot of the same emotions. out of billions, many of us have experienced love or loss in the same way. the expressions of these emotions by artists, we logically identify with them, we share that. i'm not trying to say that we can't have unique connections and moments, we just share a lot more than we realize. here is a song by daft punk. it's called, "something about us"

It may not be the right time

I might not be the right one

But there's something about us I want to say

Cause there's something between us anyway

I may not be the right one

It might not be the right time

But there's something about us I've got to do

Some kind of secret i will share with you

I need you more than anything in my life

I want you more than anything in my life

I'll miss you more than anyone in my life

i love you more than anyone in my life

ok.

levels

what is appropriate, what is too much? how many times do we wish we said more, or held something back? is there really a situation where total honesty is too much? i used to think so. one doesn't want to indiscriminately hurt another's feelings. however, holding back, omission, can be just as damaging sometimes. i'm leaning towards always putting it out there, but taking the time and effort to explain and amplify conversation. to not get caught in the lack of emotion that can happen with text or chat, with "the void" as friend once put it to me. things can be perceived in many ways, as in this photo. one reading says, "here are 3 rules that one should obey and look out for on the subway." however, it could also mean "don't litter your body on our tracks and get electrocuted."

i hate it when people treat their bodies like litter.

ok. good.

how are you.

hello.

_hello.

how are you.

_i am fine. how are you.

good.

_good.

what did you say.

_nothing, why.

i thought i heard you say something.

_no, i didn't say anything.

do you want to talk about anything.

_no. do you.

not really. no.

_ok. good.

ok.

watch out

i fell like i hear a horn almost all the time.

make it stop.

so, the human race is dying. we are all in the middle of some cough, fever, flu type thing. at least all of us here in land of god forsaken winter new england slush snow ice 20 degrees F for the past 60 days type place. stop. ok. thanks.

a quiet walk

hello. in my town, in newburyport massachusetts, many of the streets are very narrow. so much so that the town enforces a parking ban when it snows, so that plows can clear the streets. i currently live in a house that does not have off street parking, so i park my car in a municipal lot and walk home. 

tonight, i got home late, around 1045. it was still snowing. the roads were more clear than the sidewalks so i started off down the middle of the street. there were no cars in sight. my only company was the thin layer of slush, a clouded sky lit orange by street lamps, and 200 year old buildings that have stared down upon people like me for well, 200 years. staring at people walking late at night in the snow on their way home.

i've written about quiet, and about thought. it isn't earth-shattering. more so than ever, solitary moments for me have made silence more deafening. tonight it was quiet, but the ambient sound of tires on slush from miles away, or the soft melting of snow that has been on the ground for weeks gave the silence form and shape. the silence was loud. 

that is the way it has been for me. the silence that we have for ourselves, the conversations and memories and problems and dreams we have in our brains make a lot of noise. combine all of that with the constant soundtrack i have going, and it is pretty fucking loud. 

i hear it, but i need to listen.

ok.