fantasymindland

i was driving all night. i had decided to do this on the spur of the moment, and as many things that are decided upon in this way, once you get over the fear of the unknown and let go, a tremendous feeling of peace and reflection can occur. 

i had recently quit my job as creative director. it was an utterly stupid situation. it was determined that a certain variation in the blue color of our toothpaste client's product was necessary, because the current hue no long symbolized the freshness the consumer came to expect from bullshit product x. i built an entire presentation to the client and their board of directors around this subtle color shift, but never actually changed the color. packaging was reprinted, style guides and corporate brand standards were created. no one noticed the color hadn't actually been changed for 18 months. last week, someone finally read the guide and at least 27 assistant associate deputy directors at our client's global headquarters shit the bed, within several minutes of one another. so, i grabbed 5 packs of post-its, 2 boxes of medium-size binder clips and a handful of sharpies (fine point) and quit before being fired. 

so now i was driving all night, from washington DC to who gives a shit. i kept thinking about what a friend had said to me. she was talking about a place where all of the things she wanted to have and all of the lives she wanted to lead were happening. she called it her fantasymindland. holy shit. a fantasymindland. i think i was already there. i was floating down I-40 through tennessee, through the hills and past the ghosts of thousands of dead civil war soldiers and listening to modern ambient march song called sunday seance and i realized that one thousand feet above me some hawk or spy drone could see my headlights making their way along this isolated route and that i was there. 

and i had all that i needed, at least it seemed so at the time. post-its, sharpies, binder clips and a fantasymindland to live in. ok.

maybe

i don't know . . . do you? do you know what is next, or what is right? are you all just throwing it out there and seeing what happens, what sticks? are you so confident in what you are doing that your vision is laser-focused and nothing is getting in your way? i hope so. maybe mine will be someday. i'm getting there. ok.

the end of something

Weren't you there when the carousel burned down
The fire and confusion, the smoke and the sound
I swear you were there when the carousel burned down
We were all around
The rings charred and tarnished all over the ground
And the heads hung down
And we all left town the next day

The children all cried when the carousel burned down
The old ladies sighed and the carousel burned down
The rest of us lied as the carousel burned down
And the flames did fly
The pipes steamed and shrieked out a blazing goodbye
As the boiler died
And they melted down the midway
And we all left town the next day

— Todd Rundgren

out of africa

the dialogue below is from a scene near the end of the movie. meryl streep's character, isak denisen and robert redford's character, denys finch-hatton, and talking alone in isak's empty house. she is leaving africa. the two were together, but different ideas about relationships, commitment and love drove them apart. it is the first time they have seen each other, alone, in some time. he has asked to take her to mombasa, to start her journey back to denmark . . . isak says, reflecting on how much she has missed him:

I’ve got this little thing that I’ve learned to do lately.

When it gets so bad . . . and I think I can’t go on . . . I try to make it worse.

I make myself think about our camp on the river . . . and Berkeley . . . and the first time that you took me flying.

How good it all was.

And when I’m certain that I can’t stand it . . .

I go one moment more.

And then I know I can bear anything.

Would you like to help me?

Yes. (finch-hatton says.)

Come dance with me then.

more

this painting is entitled, Hope, II. the artist is gustav klimt. i have been an admirer of his for years, and spent some time with this work in nyc last weekend. i learned that he often called the painting Vision. either way, i could use a little of both. ok.

i don't know . . .

i don't know who you are anymore. it's like we are living on different planets. i'm on earth, and you are on blorgon 7, planning an invasion of my galaxy. well, i'm here to tell you that we will never be slaves, you can subjugate some other species to work in your blozillium mines. i realize that this may seem like some odd analogy as to how it is between us, and you are right. it's pretty fucked up. what the hell am i talking about? i think someone is turning a radio dial in my head, and different stations are popping up. all i know is, staring at you now, on these wide open plains, with mesas and cloud-shrouded mountains looming above us, i realize that my 401(k) is not working for me the way it should. i need to get a new financial advisor. well, that's not the only thing on my mind.
ok.
good.

cleanse

i went to the beach for an hour yesterday. sunday. late afternoon. i find that this is the best time of day to be at the beach, for me. the sun was blasting through clouds and the coastline continued its slow erosion into the atlantic. it was so soothing. the white noise of the process has a way of focusing and centering and i became the stereotype of a human looking to the sea for inspiration, clarification and a destination. i found some clarity, and left the other two for another time. ok.